Even at rush hour, public transport can be a very lonely place. Despite this, many of us share the same intrusive thoughts on our daily commute.
Thoughts involving pushing someone in front of a train, or jumping ourselves, are very common. Thankfully, OCD is often to blame for this and these thoughts aren’t a threat.
Every day I reach the platform, I take a few steps back. When my anxiety is high, I make sure my back is to the wall and I am as far away from the edge as possible.
I hate how easy it is to end up on the tracks. No barriers, nothing. It just takes one crazy person to push me and I’m done for.
Some days, I question if I’m that crazy person.
I see a commuter standing on the edge as the train is approaching, and I think to myself ‘Are you mad? Do you know how easy it is for someone to push you and there’s literally nothing you can do about it?’
And then I ask myself why I would even think that. Maybe these people are comfortable standing so close to the tracks because they don’t have these thoughts. It’s not normal.
Sometimes I feel I am too anxious. Other times I question my morality.
What if I am scared of being pushed because there are others out there like me? I try my hardest to remember I have never done this, nor do I want to.
What if it just happens? A day when I am angry, or have an argument with someone… my body just reacts and that’s it. They’re gone and my life is ruined. It’s horrible to think about on every single commute.